There are parts of my fifties that I love, parts of myself that I have figured out. I only wear pale pink lipstick. Even though people always suggest a brighter shade. It’s not who I am. I like pale lips, and I’m good with it. I’m not stuck. I thought I would never get my ears pierced. I did. I still prefer a white t-shirt, faded jeans, flip-flops. Although these days I can’t get my jeans done up and the white t-shirts need to be flowy. Diamonds and opals are the perfect accessory. I live in Toronto, but Laguna Beach is the home of my imagination. Born on the upside of ’56, Woodstock remains a destination of my idealistic heart.

As the last trimester of my fifties broke through the hot sweats, so did a resurgence of ‘me’, an inner emphasis on discovering myself in different terms.

I am accommodating within an inch of my life, because that is who I am. I am a solver. Where my daughters are concerned, I will go ‘over the top’ as my husband cynically remarks, to create, and nurture their dreams, some of which they didn’t know they had. And now, perhaps a little late, I am asking, “Where do I fit in to all this?” I don’t think this is a post mid-life crisis, I’m pretty sure it’s sheer panic, a bit of a twist on the biological clock theory. The clock is ticking at a dizzying pace. I have a lot to accomplish.

It is, so to speak, the time of our season. Our lives are constantly in flux, we are ‘go with the flow’ kind of girls, we think on the run, and make decisions in the moment. Then, we change, re-group, and go at it again. We are immersed in the lives of our families, and good for us, we have raised fabulous children, despite ourselves. And now, faced with what we want for our own lives, we are out of sorts, somewhat uncomfortable, traversing uncharted territory. A piece of our life is complete in a way that we never expected. And it happened in a heartbeat. And, in many ways, it is just like being eighteen again. What are we going to do? Who do we want to be with? I’m not sure in this case that our life experience gives us the edge.

Once again I look to Joni for answers, “We can’t return we can only look behind from where we came and go round and round and round in the circle game…”