I’m fundamentally a good girl. Up the up staircase, in through the revolving door. I have enthusiastic sense of responsibility and commitment, and will drop anything I am doing to help the people I love…. You get the picture. I feel like I am always the last to know, open mouthed, wide-eyed, in shock at the details about the lives some women lead. I’m far from sanctimonious, but honestly I think I’m missing a gene. I really don’t get it! Other people have affairs. Apparently they are more common than I could imagine. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

Not that I necessarily want to have one. Even if I did, I have way too much of a conscience, I would analyze the decision to death, chart the pros and cons, and inevitably revert to feeling too guilty. In any case, I’m too fat to have an affair. But, I must say, the inner version of me; that beach body me, whose footprints in the sand lead elsewhere, well, that ‘me’ might be intrigued. I still wouldn’t have a clue how to go about it. And, what about my husband, you might ask? Well, I’m not sure he would notice, and if he did he would probably be thrilled. It would let him off the proverbial hook!

You see though, having an affair is cheating. And I’m not sure I could reconcile this. I would be always putting the shoe on the other foot. But, Samantha (Sex in the City) contends, “The act of cheating is defined by the act of getting caught.” Am I hitting the bottom of the barrel by trying to actually rationalize having an affair in terms of Carrie and Samantha? Is there something deliciously contraband about a covert affair? Have I watched too many romantic films, or is my heart yearning for one last dance with love?

Indeed, there are different kinds of love, and ebbs and flows of love and desire and ups and down in marriages. So why am I even writing about this! Is it some kind of menopausal crisis? It’s more of a realization that this is a time in my life where it’s okay to think about me. To consider what it is that I want to experience. To discover what I am about as the kids move out and my husband has retired. It’s most definitely time for me.

The other night I had dinner with a friend. She told me that I needed to have an affair. That I was too vibrant to be sitting at home all the time, and l deserve a big love story. That would be nice. She also told me that if I insisted on wearing pale lipstick instead of coral that I have to have smoky eyes. Hmmmm. I think I will explore the smoky eye idea. The affair? Well…